felt the need

So I sit here listening to my children outside screaming and yelling as they play for one of the few last times before winter sets in. Thinking to myself, wow it’s getting real. I am 39 years old, married, have 2 children and I am a graduate nurse. It all happened before I turned 40. I never saw that coming when I was in my early 20's. I am proud!!! I am excited!!!! I am scared!!! Proud that I accomplished something, excited to be what I always dreamed of being and scared to get out there and do it. I’m thinking most new nurses felt the same way. I came from being a truck driver to a stay at home mom to a student and now I have to learn how to not be a student and be the one who has compassion, knowledge and insight. It’s a scary feeling because as a student some didn't trust but put a RN on your badge and they suddenly have your trust. They trust that you’re going to make them better and mend them back to health. 

Of the last 2 years of my crazy high stressed life of being a student I learned a lot, not just the book work to read and notes to study and homework to do, but I learned a lot from how I was taught. I am a visual person and I learned and took a lot in with my eyes. I have visions of pictures burned in my mind, some not so good and some were learning tools to someday use again.

    I grew close to the instructors and some I just grew to know. At the nurse pinning we had to choose a special person, part of the staff to pin us, It wasn't a very hard choice I knew who I wanted and I had my reasons why.

     When I showed up on first shift of my first med-surg clinical rotation I met a beautiful blonde young woman with a sparkle in her eyes but a sad look about her. We quickly learned she had been up all night with her dog and had decided to put her/him (not real sure) down only hours before we met. My heart sunk I choked up knowing I have once experienced her grief. I saw she was soft inside just like us. From that moment on she had me. She had a glow around her even though she was going through hard times. (many during our rotation)She had a smile that just made you feel warm and a personality that was way deeper than anyone I ever knew. Along with knowledge she had compassion. And this is where I learned to have compassion for others. Yes the right med. and right interventions etc....will heal but the process is slower without compassion. I saw it in real time. Jan Johnson, you have taught me what I need to know and I would give anything to become half the person and Nurse you are. Thank you so very much!!!! I will never forget you....as of today I will never walk in a hospital as a student again.

  

so much on my mind!!!

I'm sure most people now days feel the same. So much on my mind. In a nutshell my kids are growing way too fast, I think I’ve reached the point of starting menopause and I wanted another baby!!! Its not going to happen anyway. I’m too old and I couldn’t handle another from our gene pool. My husband and my genes don’t mix very well. I’m being honest. Sometimes I wish my life would have been different but I look at it and would go through the exact same things to get out what I have so far.

My daughter is now 10 and she is going on 30. She thinks she is responsible and can do whatever she pleases. I understand I was a 10 year old too….but now I’m the Mom and I have turned into my own mother. As hard as that is to except that’s what it is!! LOL I have to laugh now looking back I thought she was so mean because she didn’t want me to do much outside of her leash. I now understand. I know my Mom was pretty over protective and probably to the extreme but back when I was growing up things were not as harsh as they are today. Under some circumstances I will be a little overbearing as to who she is with and where she goes but its life. I rather her hate me for the moment than never give her the chance to hate me again. She is in puberty and has those rush of hormones and my goodness!! I’ll just leave it at that.

As for me, well I wake up in the middle of the night just wet with sweat and and some point I find myself smelling the covers and making sure “someone” didn’t pee the bed. I get so wet with sweat I have to change out of my clothes and I get so cold and clammy feeling I hate it. It doesn’t happen every night but it happens at least twice a week. I don’t feel overdressed because my husband puts the furnace on 65. That’s cold enough. I think it’s that time and I’m not ready for it!!! My Grandma went through it at 36 and with a flash of the eye its was done. No depression, mood swings or mental breakdowns!!! Gosh I hope that’s how it is here. I’m going to the gyno and having my tubes tied, stuffed or something so I can get off bc and live normally. I’m having a hard time excepting all of this. Life does not stop and I have to flow with it even if I’m not ready. Sucks but that’s why they say live everyday as if it were your last. Getting old suck!!!! Inside I still feel like I’m in my 20’s.

Last week I went for a bike rie with my Dad and his friends. Nice group of people now wonder why he refuses to stop running even though he had surgery and is now rubbibg bone to bone on his knee. It’s the friends that make his retire life more fun and worth while. I supposed he will find something else to do like biking or walking. I hope. It’s come to the end of the road for him and running I believe. Sometime in the future he will be looking forward to a knee replacement as the doctors words are now coming reality. He didn’t want to hear that. Like I said getting old sucks. Maybe he will be a gym junkie and start lifting weights and be one of those cut grandpas LOL

As for now I have to get back to life, make phone calls and do other peoples jobs makes lists for this week’s dinner plans, laundry, figure out where I will continue my education ie. BSN or MSN. Have a great day!!!!

It is what it is......

It was Briannas Birthday Sunday morning September 30th. I tried to make her day special. All she wanted was waffles and whip cream for breakfast and she got just that BUT with flat whip cream!!! I bought it for her and low and behold it was all gone but a little bit and no one did it. The little  leprechaun ate it!!! The only thing I can think of. 

So as our construction continues we have the wood floors in and now waiting for the counter tops and carpet. Than I can get my life back together. Living out of a family room and trying to cook is not easy. I actually hate it. Karen from Kansas, the women that helped lay the floors and re do my island was saying it is what it is. And she is right it is what it is. I just have to learn to deal with it!!! So as you can see in my pictures behind Brianna is my new wood floors. I really like it even if my first choice was not wood but I have to compromise. Even if I hate to do it and it is after all "my" women cave the rest is pretty much my idea. So can I complain? Not really.
 My new dilemma is color. I want a brighter feel like sunny and happy and my first 2 choices are blue and yellow. I decided to settle with yellow in the kitchen but I'm still trying to figure out the living room. I have both a dark couch and chair. Thinking that I need a lighter color wall to off set the dark furniture. Thinking of a neutral or a light blue. I don't want to go too light on the blue and not to mention I realized the blue I was looking for was the same as my sons room and it is pretty dark in there. It looks like neutral and I could really just throw any color in there I want and it should match. Right? Did I just talk myself into something? Probably. Based on color I feel like I am kinda alone on it and I'm so confused at what to do cuz I like a ton of things and cant do them all.........well it is what it is.....more later and have a wonderful day!!!!

Ice cream oreo cake!!!

This is what she looked like this morning her style!!!

I think she is beautiful!!!